CA | Chapter 29

◎I won’t let you be the lesser one.◎

For the seven days of New Year’s, Ning Jia stayed in the hospital for seven days as well. She did not want Shen Yicheng to come see her, and she did not want anyone else to come see him either. When she was discharged, Shen Yicheng drove himself. He held her as they slowly made their way downstairs. Ning Jia seemed to be much better. Her voice was still a little hoarse, but she was in good spirits. Leaning against him, she said, “I kind of want grilled fish. When we get home, thaw the fish in the fridge, then buy some sauce ingredients.”

“Okay.”

It almost seemed like she had just had an ordinary illness.

Shen Yicheng placed her in the passenger seat. Ning Jia sat properly, turned on the music, and glanced at him. Seeing his expression was faint, she said, “Cheer up a little?”

He smiled.

Ning Jia stroked his side profile, then took his hand and gently shook it. “I’m not sick enough to need to stay in the hospital. I can still take care of myself, and I’ve been on and off my medicine. Usually there’s nothing much wrong. This isn’t something medicine can just fix anyway. It was just that during New Year’s, I kept mixing alcohol when I drank…”

Hearing her explain it like that, Shen Yicheng said softly, “I know.”

“Are you tired?” she asked carefully. “Otherwise…”

She said, “Otherwise, let’s separate.”

Shen Yicheng suddenly looked at her. Ning Jia said, “I don’t want you to be unhappy, especially because of me. Go find someone else.”

Her tone was calm. Shen Yicheng asked, “Do you think I’m shopping for groceries?”

“Have you ever bought groceries?”

He ignored her cold joke, took her wrist, and said in a gloomy voice, “There won’t be a next one.”

Ning Jia lowered her head. “Fine. I can make do too.”

“Ning Jia, you’re not some object. Do you want to hear yourself?”

She did not answer. Only after the car reached home did Ning Jia say, “I really mean it. If you think you can make do, I can’t really make do. I’m afraid you’ll be unhappy because of me, and that makes me feel terrible.”

“Starting today, I’ll come over every day.”

Ning Jia smiled. “I think that’s too hard on you. I always want things I can’t have.”

Shen Yicheng said, “That’s not hard on me, Ning Jia.”

He went upstairs, and Ning Jia went to get the fish. She opened the fridge and found that he had already cleared out all the alcohol. Ning Jia sighed. “If I don’t tell you, I seem pretentious. If I do tell you, I seem even more pretentious. Dragging me around like this burden, I even feel like you’re not having an easy time.”

Shen Yicheng was in a terrible mood. He said, “You’re not a burden.”

He helped her take out the fish and put it outside to thaw. After a long while, he said in a hoarse voice, “Jia Jia, you can be a little less well-behaved. If you want something, just say it.”

Ning Jia opened her mouth, then sat down dejectedly at the dining table, her head lowered. “Second Uncle, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have made things turn out like this.”

Shen Yicheng could not turn her thoughts around. He had already finished being angry. Little by little, all that remained in his heart was tenderness. He softened his voice. “You’re very good, very obedient, very sensible. Ning Jia, you can’t control getting sick. It’s nothing. I’ll stay with you.”

He bent down and crouched so they were eye level. Ning Jia pressed her forehead to his and rubbed her cheek against his. “Thank you.”

He said, “No need to thank me.”

For some reason, Ning Jia suddenly burst out laughing.

Then, tentatively, she kissed his eyes.

“You’re so good,” she said. Lifting his face in her hands, she dropped dense little kisses over his features. Finally their lips met. Ning Jia felt him rise up, both hands braced on the table and the back of the chair as he bent to kiss her. Ning Jia took it all in, suckling back, both arms hooked around his neck. Shen Yicheng said in a low voice, “I should be the one apologizing to you.”

“Let’s both stop apologizing, okay?” Ning Jia did not want to think about those things anymore. She untied his belt and said, “Hug me.”

He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and watched her movements, then pinched her chin. “You want it like this?”

Ning Jia bit his finger once, nodded, and wrapped her arms around his waist, kissing the firm line of his abdomen.

Shen Yicheng braced himself on the table with one hand and lowered his head to stroke her cheeks and chin. Ning Jia closed her eyes, working hard and seriously. Afterward, she stood up and leaned against him. Shen Yicheng did not want to make her uncomfortable, so he simply held her. After waiting a while and seeing no movement from him, Ning Jia blinked and pressed against his chest to look at him.

“Hold me first.”

Ning Jia nodded, pushed him down onto the sofa, undid his shirt, and buried herself inside it, obediently nibbling away.

He held her with one hand, his gaze dark and heavy.

On New Year’s Eve, he went back to the Shen family home for a while.

This was unbreakable routine. Shen Zhi was secretly smoking at the door. Shen Yicheng gave him a smack, and he hurriedly hid the cigarette, smiling. “Second Uncle, you’re here.”

“Mm.” He tossed his overcoat to his nephew. “Take it inside.”

Shen Zhi patted the coat and fawned, “Yes, sir!”

“Little brat.” Shen Yicheng laughed and cursed him once, then watched him go inside.

The Shen residence had a courtyard and several side rooms, like a miniature Grand View Garden. He did not come here often. This was his grandfather Shen Heshuo’s residence, and most of the older generation and his peers lived separately outside.

Shen Zhi was the most lively person in the family.

Then there were the children of several uncles and elder relatives, some of them young, spoiled, and fond of making a racket. They were the source of what little liveliness the family had.

Shen Zhi put away his clothes for him and tugged him further inside. Several juniors were playing cards here. When they saw Shen Yicheng arrive, they stood up and greeted him according to their respective generations.

Of course, Shen Yicheng could not play cards here. He handed out the red envelopes, then returned to the inner room and sat in his place, listening quietly to them talk.

His thoughts had already drifted far away. In the past, he liked thinking about jade carving and business. Now, once things had quieted down, all he could think about was his little Ning Jia, whether she had been eating well, whether she had been sleeping well.

He could not even take out his phone. Shen Heshuo sat in the center, his gaze like an eagle’s, and from time to time let out a cough as loud and thunderous as a bolt of lightning.

He made an excuse to go outside to smoke, but Yun Wan called him down and made him sit beside her.

“Yicheng, you still haven’t properly paid New Year’s respects to Grandpa.”

Shen Yicheng had brought along a few hundred-thousand-yuan gifts, but all of them had been offered to this living ancestor.

He offered a cool, perfunctory greeting, sat indifferently to one side, resting his chin on his hand. In his fingers he toyed with a jade pixiu[[N]], a pendant with a ring of golden tassels. Today he was also wearing a ring, the one Ning Jia had made for him, a somewhat flashy diamond ring, a little like nothing at all. Shen Heshuo barked, “Sit up straight. What do you look like?”

Shen Yicheng was already thirty and still getting scolded. Even he could not help laughing.

“What are you laughing at? We’re talking about your marriage, and you’re not taking it seriously at all, only making your mother sad.”

Shen Yicheng usually could not be bothered to talk back, but this time he turned his head for once and looked at Yun Wan. “Mom, do you think I make you sad?”

The whole family was here. Yun Wan’s expression changed immediately, and she frowned. “Yicheng.”

Shen Yicheng said, “I don’t like women.”

He had dodged like this every year. Several elders had already expected him to say that. They replied, “Whether you like them or not isn’t important. What matters is whether she’s suitable. The second daughter of the Feng family just came back from abroad this year. I heard from Feng Wei that she’s been in Beishi recently. You didn’t even go when she asked you.”

Shen Yicheng said, “The Feng family’s second daughter is different from me. She likes women.”

He was talking about one of Feng Wei’s younger aunts, who had found a girlfriend abroad and posted their relationship every day on Instagram. Everybody knew about it. Among the elders, some knew, and some did not use the internet. If they were not well-informed, of course they would not know.

At this, Shen Heshuo slapped the table, launching into another round of twentieth-century-style lecturing. Shen Yicheng had long been used to this time of year. His only chance to become the center of attention was this matter of blind dates.

The families of these old, established noble houses in Beishi were entangled in complicated ties. Basically everyone was related in some way. Shen Yicheng let the lecture wash over him. He figured that once the New Year’s Eve dinner started and the family began talking business again, they would probably leave him alone.

This time was especially troublesome. He felt something was off and looked at Shen Yibei. “Big Brother has some dealings with the Feng family recently?”

Although their branch was not the main line, Shen Yibei was truly capable and had almost become the backbone of the Shen family, so some business had naturally shifted to him. Shen Yibei did not deny it. “You’ve played around for so many years. It’s time to settle down.”

Shen Yicheng understood that they wanted to use him as a tool for marriage alliance. He was not angry. He only idly stroked the trinket in his hand, neither answering nor asking, meeting it all with silence.

His father said, “After the New Year, go to the Feng family for a couple of days and meet them. If it seems suitable, we’ll settle it in the spring.”

Shen Yicheng said, “If it’s Big Brother’s business, then let Big Brother go marry her.”

Shen Yibei’s wife glanced at him. Shen Yicheng laughed again. “So it turns out Sister-in-law is unwilling.”

Shen Zhi had been eavesdropping nearby. Hearing this, he came over and said, “Second Uncle, that’s not really appropriate…”

Shen Yibei frowned. “What does this have to do with you?”

Shen Zhi said, “I’m just here to tell Great-Grandpa dinner’s ready.”

That counted as temporary escape. In the past, whenever something like this happened, Shen Yicheng would hide overseas. He even knew the person he was set up with. A smart woman who was more fashionable than him, rich and beautiful, would not be in a rush to marry herself off. There were also those who wanted a companion so they would not have to listen to their elders nagging. The two of them would each keep a lover hidden away, doing their own thing. Shen Yicheng would always say with a smile, “You’ve got a lover to hide. I don’t. I’m the one losing out.”

The other side could only give up.

This time, the Feng family’s second young lady was still the same sort of situation. Only now Shen Yicheng had nowhere to hide. Ning Jia was still studying in Beishi. If he went abroad to avoid it, there would still be a university student at home who could not be taken with him. He could only stay by her side.

Shen Yicheng was used to being alone.

Alone, he could do anything with ease. He could be impervious to flattery or coercion, he could be a bastard.

But once he had responsibility, he became cautious and hesitant, and had to think of new countermeasures.

Yun Wan went with him to the dining room and called him aside on the way, pulling him over with tightly knitted brows. “What kind of medicine did you take today? Talking nonsense in front of your grandfather.”

“Don’t worry about what medicine I took. I don’t want to get married. That’s that.”

“Yicheng, you won’t even pretend?”

Shen Yicheng’s gaze flickered slightly.

“I have to marry her no matter what?”

“This time, yes. You do.”

Shen Yicheng put down the item he had been playing with and frowned faintly.

He usually did not care about the matters of the Shen family main line. This time, it seemed something had happened, and they were shoving him out in a hurry. Shen Yicheng was not new to cleaning up after Shen Yibei. Since Yun Wan had explained it to him, he would go along with it. First, because he did not want to waste his breath. Second, because he truly did not want to make her sad.

Yun Wan had given birth to him with everything she had, and in the end, the one who hurt the most was still her eldest son.

He let out a bitter laugh. “Mom, do you dislike me that much? Making me marry someone I don’t like.”

“Yicheng, you were born into this family. Where do you get the luxury of liking or not liking?” Yun Wan said. “Your business also relies on your big brother. Just lower your head a little. It’ll be easier for you to stand your ground in Beishi later. The two of you each handle your own affairs, each start a family and build your careers, and once everything is stable and good, I’ll be able to rest easy even if I die.”

She was so earnest and persuasive that Shen Yicheng knew the matter was beyond saving. He could only take the roundabout route. “Let’s eat first. We’ll talk about it on the first or second day of the new year.”

“If it really doesn’t work, then keep a younger one, find someone you like, and don’t have children.” Yun Wan compromised. “Keep a low profile. Don’t give people anything to gossip about.”

“Keep a younger one…” Shen Yicheng laughed. Just then he heard Yun Wan say, “Anyone is fine. Just not Ning Jia.”

Shen Yicheng tightened his grip on the jade pixiu[[N]] and returned to the table without a trace of expression.

The meal was tasteless, like chewing wax. Finally getting a chance to smoke, he first called Ning Jia.

With the phone夹在 his hand, he lit a cigarette and held it to his lips, waiting until the receiver only returned a mechanical, “The number you have dialed is temporarily unavailable.”

With Ning Jia’s light sleep, she would wake as soon as her phone vibrated.

So he called a second time.

Still no one answered.

All night, he felt restless. In the end, he still had to contact Zhou Jing and first transfer fifty thousand yuan to her.

Whether Zhou Jing wanted to go or not, she had to go.

He sat back down at the table. More than half an hour later, Zhou Jing called, with a flurry of noise in the background.

“Mr. Shen, please come take a look. Municipal Hospital. I’ll send you the ward number in a moment.”

Zhou Jing was a very tactful and intelligent secretary.

Shen Yicheng knew something had happened. This time, he stood up. But his father was one step ahead of him. “Where are you going? Sit down!”

Shen Yicheng looked at Yun Wan. She tilted her head up, her eyes imploring him to come back. Shen Yicheng said a low “Sorry,” then turned and left.

When he reached the hospital, Ning Jia had been listed as critically ill and needed a family member’s signature. Zhou Jing’s hands and feet were ice-cold. Frightened into barely daring to breathe, she was terrified that Ning Jia would actually die on New Year’s Eve. Her voice trembling, she said, “This is Mr. Shen Yicheng’s person. Please, hurry and start emergency treatment…”

*

Ning Jia slept for a while. When she woke up, she went to check on her fish. It had thawed quite a bit, so she set up the baking tray, plugged it in, and placed it on the dining table.

Shen Yicheng had bought two packets of seasoning from the place she had told him to go. Ning Jia mixed her own sauce, poured it over the fish, then arranged some vegetables on top. At the last moment she wanted to add a bit of wine and cook it in, but then she remembered that Shen Yicheng had taken all the liquor away. She searched around and found two bottles of beer, then poured those in instead. Seeing it was almost done, Ning Jia cooked a little rice, one bowl each.

The fish finished roasting, and the whole room was full of fragrance. This fish did not have many bones, only large pieces of tender meat. Ning Jia ate a little more than half of it. Shen Yicheng had little appetite. Ning Jia asked him, “What’s on your mind?”

“Nothing. Eat more.”

“I was in a bad mood the past couple of days, so I didn’t even get around to caring about you,” Ning Jia said. “When did you come over? Did anyone make things hard for you? Were you wronged?”

In this world, only Ning Jia thought that Shen Yicheng could be wronged.

“No one made things hard for me. Eat.”

“Don’t force yourself. This really was an accident, and there won’t be a next time. I thought about it, and you don’t need to come over every day either. How else would you go do business out of town?”

“Whenever I can’t leave, I’ll bring you with me.”

“I still have to go to school,” Ning Jia said. “Let me just say this is me acting spoiled, okay? After the New Year, shall we go out and unwind? When I earn money in the future, I also want to take you out to have fun.”

He only said, “Eat more.”

“I can’t help you with anything.”

“Ning Jia, can’t you just enjoy it without overthinking everything?”

Everyone else said Ning Jia was heartless, but now hearing him ask her to be like that, her eyes stung. She said, “How inappropriate would that be… But I really can’t help you with anything. If you’re not happy with me here, then what use am I?”

Shen Yicheng said, “Ning Jia, people don’t have to be happy all the time, but I’m very comfortable with you. You’re my refuge.”

Refuge.

What a word full of tenderness and longing.

Ning Jia felt as if she had suddenly grown a pair of wings, able to cover him up so nobody could find him. She could also tilt her head and bury herself in his hair.

She smiled sweetly and asked, “Really? I’m really that useful?”

Ning Jia’s need to “prove her own value” was almost obsessive. She wanted to be useful, but people were not objects, and people did not have a use value. People were just people. Whether they had value to others was not the standard for existence. Yet Ning Jia always said things like that.

Shen Yicheng said, “Without you, I can’t do it.”

She pressed her lips together and gave him a large piece of meat.

At last Shen Yicheng understood what kind of words made her truly happy.

At night, the two of them lay together. Ning Jia wanted to do it. Shen Yicheng kissed her, took care of her, but she remained dry and unable to continue. Ning Jia sighed. “I don’t know what’s going on…”

“Sleep. We’ll take it slow.”

Ning Jia closed her eyes. “I really want to… but my body seems like it doesn’t want to. I don’t even know how long this will last… I really wish I could float away.”

To break free from the body’s restraints and gain the soul’s release.

These past few days she had been unable to eat or sleep well. With Shen Yicheng loving on her, she fell asleep quickly. Ning Jia held him tightly and murmured, “I want you to be happy… I want you to be blessed. I want you to still be that free.”

Shen Yicheng lowered his eyes. “That’s what you brought me, Ning Jia. Before you, I was never free, never happy, never blessed.”

Only you brought me these things.

Ning Jia buried her face in his chest with tears in her eyes and drifted off to sleep.

They did not often say such intimate, heart-touching words to each other. Tonight was the first time.

Ning Jia occasionally opened her eyes and, feeling that he was still there, thought sadly that she might have kept him by throwing a tantrum. But with him lying beside her, Ning Jia only felt regret and longing intertwined. She wanted him to hold her like this every night, never apart for even a single day.

*

Ning Jia knew nothing about Shen Yicheng being forced into marriage. The two of them simply did not move in the same circles. After the New Year, he still could not take her out to play. Ning Jia did not get angry. Every day when he came home, if he got back early, there would be food waiting. If he came back late, she would still fight through sleepiness to knead his shoulders, then hug him and make soft little sleepy sounds as she drifted off.

Ning Jia did not bring up doing that kind of thing, so he no longer took the initiative either, as if he were afraid it would hurt her.

After a long time without contact, Zhou Yuanyuan suddenly got in touch and asked her out to see a movie. Ning Jia reported it to Shen Yicheng. He was very happy for her to go out and play with friends, telling her not to come back later than eight, or else he would go pick her up.

The mall where they were seeing the movie was relatively close to Ning Jia. The two of them met at the café downstairs. Zhou Yuanyuan had a whole pile of things to tell her, about life, roommates, school, her boyfriend. After talking for a long time, Ning Jia only listened obediently. Then Zhou Yuanyuan asked, “What about you? Look at me, I’m so busy I haven’t even had time to come see you.”

“I’m doing pretty well,” Ning Jia said. “Uncle rented a place for me next to the academy. I learned how to cook.”

Zhou Yuanyuan said in surprise, “Shen Yicheng, you’re still with him?”

“Mm, if not, then what?”

“Ah…” Zhou Yuanyuan said. “Then you…”

“What is it?” Seeing her hesitate, Ning Jia sharply caught something. “Something about the Shen family?”

“You know?” Zhou Yuanyuan said mysteriously. “I heard your second uncle is going to marry the Feng family’s second young lady. I thought you didn’t know.”

Ning Jia’s mind went blank in an instant.

Zhou Yuanyuan spread her hands. “Anyway, I heard it from my mom. Don’t you think that’s unfair? Even if it’s not exactly official, having an extra legal wife is enough to make anyone miserable. Otherwise, you should just cut your losses. It’s fine, I still have money. I’ll put you through school!”

Ning Jia clutched her head. Her stomach turned with acid, and she forced herself to speak through the discomfort. “It’s nothing. I have money here. I’m going to the restroom.”

“Okay. When the movie starts, we’ll go up together.”

The result was that she did not manage to take in a single word of the movie.

Zhou Yuanyuan could tell Ning Jia was not in the mood and comforted her. “You’re still upset, aren’t you? Then should I take you home? It’s my fault too, insisting on telling you about this.”

Ning Jia shook her head. “My stomach just hasn’t felt right these past two days. Let’s play together again next time.”

Zhou Yuanyuan said gloomily, “When will next time be? I’m going abroad. I was thinking this might be the last time I see you.”

Ning Jia’s stomach cramped painfully. She asked softly, “Why? How could it be the last time?”

“Our company ran into some trouble, so the whole family has to move. I’m not even keeping my boyfriend. I was just a little worried about you.”

Ning Jia did not know what to say. Her throat hurt. “Then I’ll see you off. When are you leaving?”

“Ah, even seeing me off won’t work. My mom won’t let people see us.” Zhou Yuanyuan said, “What was that line again? I urge you to drink one more cup of wine. West of Yang Pass, there will be no old friends…[[N]]”

Ning Jia hugged her. The two of them had grown up together since childhood, and she was Ning Jia’s closest friend. She had not expected even her to be leaving.

Zhou Yuanyuan said sadly, “Take good care of yourself. Later on, you’ll go abroad too. You might as well come by my side then. By that time I should be grown up, and I’ll take care of you too.”

Ning Jia could only lower her head and cry, watching her get into the car with the driver. Her heart and stomach both ached terribly.

She could not accept so much information at once. Standing at the intersection, she found a bus stop sign and sat down. One car after another stopped in front of her, one person after another passed by, until her phone rang and Shen Yicheng called, asking where she was.

Hearing his voice, Ning Jia could not say a word for a long time. In the end she hung up, sent him the address, and after a while he personally drove over to pick her up. Seeing how listless she looked, he asked, “What, didn’t have fun with your friend?”

“No…” Ning Jia said. “She said she’s going abroad, and I’m so sad.”

He raised a hand and rubbed her hair. Ning Jia said, “Something happened to my family, and among my friends, only she was willing to help me. Now she’s leaving too.”

Shen Yicheng did not start the car. He asked whether they should find a warm place to sit for a while, have a drink, and then go home.

Ning Jia said, “Let’s just stay in the car. Hold me.”

Shen Yicheng pushed his seat back to make room for her. Ning Jia crawled onto him like a little turtle. After a long while, she said, “When are you getting married?”

Shen Yicheng was comforting her when he heard this. He was momentarily slow to react. “Getting married?”

“Aren’t you going to marry into the Feng family?”

“Your information is that good?”

After getting his affirmative answer, Ning Jia’s heart cracked into piece after piece.

“Then when? Tell me,” she wailed softly.

“How did I not know I was getting married?” Shen Yicheng bounced her lightly. “You’re so upset because you’re afraid I’ll leave too?”

“You’re not getting married?” The little person in her heart clutched the shards, hesitating. “Then what’s going on? But of course you can get married. You can marry anyone, as long as you like them.”

Shen Yicheng said, “There is such a thing, but I don’t want to get married. They can’t tie me down and drag me there.”

“I’m not saying you can’t get married.” Ning Jia wiped her tears, and the little person in her heart slowly began piecing the shards back together. “I hope if you really do plan to, you’ll tell me first.”

“And then what would you do?”

“I’ll get over it for a couple of days first, then pack my things.”

“I can’t like two people at the same time.”

Ning Jia blinked, looked up at him, and said blankly, “Then like one person right now.”

“Mm.” Shen Yicheng said, “I like the little dog.”

“Who’s the little dog…?”

“The one sitting by the roadside crying because she couldn’t find anyone.”

Ning Jia muttered, “I’m not a little dog.”

Her heart was mended again in an instant.

“Don’t be afraid.” Shen Yicheng said with a smile, “Even if it’s only for show, it would still be disgusting. At the very least it’s a first marriage, there’s no way we’d settle it so casually.”

Ning Jia said, “That makes sense.” She sniffled and bit his finger. “Is this your fake engagement? Was it arranged by your family? How can you refuse that?”

“I have my ways.”

“Oh… but…”

“Relax. I won’t let you be wronged and made into the lesser one.”

Ning Jia said, “Being the lesser one is really unbearable. I can’t get past it in terms of pride. Just thinking about you kissing someone else when you get married, and then that mouth coming back to kiss me, ugh! It gives me the creeps. I feel like I’m going to throw up!”

“…”

How did she make him sound filthy?

“But if you find someone you like and want to marry them, I’ll definitely pack my things obediently,” Ning Jia said, her eyes lowered. “Anyway, I’m the one you’re keeping. I still don’t have the ability to fight the Feng family for someone. Anyone who is worthy of you, I can’t win them from you. I can only leave in disgrace.”

“How pitiful.” Shen Yicheng deadpanned.

Ning Jia said, “Be serious. That’s not funny.”

Shen Yicheng copied her and made a gesture as if zipping his mouth shut.