TA •Chapter 56

Jiang Yuduo’s casual remark, calm as if they were just chatting, left Cheng Ke stunned for a long time.

Taming an eagle?

Of course he knew about taming eagles. When he was very young, he had watched a documentary about it, and read quite a few articles too. He couldn’t remember the details clearly anymore, but he still remembered the general idea.

To wear down an eagle’s wildness, they blindfolded it, made it stand on a rope that swayed with the slightest touch, gave it no food or water, and would not let it sleep. In the end, when the eagle was almost at its limit, the master gave it a little water and a piece of meat, and from then on the eagle became obedient.

Cheng Ke remembered that in the documentary, the master took the eagle out to hunt rabbits. The eagle flew high into the sky and circled for a long time, while the master kept whistling, but it still refused to return to his arm.

Even an eagle that had been “tamed” could one day fly off and never come back during a hunt.

He also remembered that all he could think at the time was, fly away, fly away, just don’t ever come back… But whether that eagle eventually returned or flew away, he no longer remembered.

Hopefully it had flown away, and never came back.

Cheng Ke ran through everything related to it in his head, but he had no idea what any of that had to do with Jiang Yuduo. Or rather, he did not dare think about what it might have to do with Jiang Yuduo.

So he could only stay silent and wait for Jiang Yuduo to go on.

“My dad,” Jiang Yuduo said, a cigarette between his lips and a lighter in his hand. He kept striking it on and off, flipping it over and over between his fingers. “He liked to keep eagles. He always loved telling us about taming them. He said taming an eagle wasn’t just taming the eagle. It was taming the person too, a challenge for the owner. It was a battle of will between man and eagle.”

“What battle? Was he not eating or drinking too?” Cheng Ke frowned. “A battle where you force the other side to fight is fucking no battle at all.”

“Later they wouldn’t let people keep eagles anymore, so he stopped,” Jiang Yuduo said, tossing the lighter up. When it landed back in his palm, he closed his hand around it at once. “He said we weren’t eagles. We didn’t have wildness. We were just little dogs. Beat us a few times and we’d behave. No challenge.”

Cheng Ke suddenly turned his head and looked at Jiang Yuduo.

“But he said that set of rules worked,” Jiang Yuduo said, looking at his own clenched hand. “Darkness, hunger, cold, no sleep…”

“What was the point of that?” Cheng Ke could feel fear and anger rising in him.

“He said if we weren’t afraid of those things anymore, then we’d be afraid of nothing,” Jiang Yuduo said. “No fear, and you were invincible.”

“Bullshit!” Cheng Ke’s voice rose. “Those fears are the kind you can never wash off in a lifetime!”

“Yes.” Jiang Yuduo turned to look at him and smiled a little. “A lifetime. Living in fear for a lifetime. None of us is invincible. I’m scared. I’m afraid of everything.”

“Can I ask one question first?” Cheng Ke frowned.

“Mm.” Jiang Yuduo answered.

“Were your mom and dad executed or something?” Cheng Ke asked.

“I don’t know,” Jiang Yuduo said. “They were caught.”

Cheng Ke let out a breath, but the immense pain and terror hidden in Jiang Yuduo’s few short sentences left him unable to calm down.

“What he did to you, to all of you, was for what?” Cheng Ke asked through clenched teeth.

“We trained every day. When there were competitions, we went to compete,” Jiang Yuduo said. “Against other little dogs, or against ourselves.”

“Who watched?” Cheng Ke asked.

“I don’t know. I couldn’t see anyone. It was all dark around me.” Jiang Yuduo said.

“What about the other kids?” Cheng Ke asked again.

“I don’t know. We were all separated. I don’t know where they went,” Jiang Yuduo said. “They didn’t know where I was either, or who I was now.”

“Then you…” Cheng Ke hesitated for a moment. “How did you get here?”

“By bus. One after another, getting on and off, for a long time.” Jiang Yuduo said.

“Were you alone? Since they were all caught, someone should have been taking care of you, right? You were all kids. The police couldn’t just ignore it.” Cheng Ke said.

The moment he mentioned the word police, Jiang Yuduo’s hand tightened all at once, his knuckles going white. He said softly, “We can’t hurt people anymore.”

“What?” Cheng Ke froze.

“What do you think?” Jiang Yuduo looked at him and smiled.

“What do I think about what?” Cheng Ke was a little tense.

“What you wanted to know, about when I was little,” Jiang Yuduo said.

Cheng Ke did not speak.

“I’m going out for a bit.” Without waiting for his answer, Jiang Yuduo opened the car door and got out, standing by the sidewalk in front of the hood.

Cheng Ke did not follow. He stayed in the car and watched him.

Jiang Yuduo wasn’t wearing a coat. He just stood in the wind in a T-shirt.

But he looked completely relaxed, with none of the stiffness the cold usually brought on, none of the shoulder-hunching or neck-tucking most people would have at this temperature. He even lit another cigarette.

Cheng Ke remembered how he had once stood in a wind like this, pressing a lighter almost to the point of madness and still failing to light a cigarette. Was lighting a cigarette in strong wind one of Jiang Yuduo’s special skills too?

Cheng Ke lit one of his own and bit down on it, watching Jiang Yuduo, who was also standing in the wind with a cigarette between his lips.

He would never ask again.

He would never be curious again.

He did not want to hear any more of Jiang Yuduo’s past.

Even though Jiang Yuduo had used the simplest, calmest tone, like he was telling someone else’s story, Cheng Ke still could not accept it.

When he had hung around with Liu Tiancheng and the others before, he had heard all kinds of weird stories too. When those people talked about them lightly, as if they were just ordinary things, he would usually listen and let them pass. He did not care about those strange incidents hidden in corners no one could see, whether they were true or false or just there for bragging.

But what Jiang Yuduo had just said made him feel chilled to the bone. Even with the heater on in the car, he was still able to feel despair.

Yes, more than fear or anger, it was despair.

Jiang Yuduo was no longer in that place that had driven him to despair. Counting it up, he had probably been gone from there for ten years. He had returned to the real world, to a world where he could sleep whenever he wanted, eat and drink whenever he wanted.

But seeing him standing in the wind with a cigarette between his lips, Cheng Ke still could not feel that ease for him.

The marks on him, the things he had lived through, had not gone away. He breathed the air of this world, but he might not necessarily be able to feel how real this world was.

After they finished two cigarettes, Cheng Ke opened the car door, reached back into the trunk for both his and Jiang Yuduo’s coats, and got out.

The fireworks on the other side were still leaping into the night sky, one burst after another, flashing in all kinds of shapes. After they vanished, their afterglow would still linger in his vision.

Several huge ring-shaped fireworks rose into the night sky at once, instantly lighting up the area around them. Someone nearby let out a cheer.

Cheng Ke looked at the fireworks and walked over to Jiang Yuduo.

“Put your clothes on.” He handed the coat over, shivering slightly.

“I’m not cold…” Jiang Yuduo turned his face toward him, then frowned when he saw that Cheng Ke was only wearing a wool sweater. He took the coat first and helped him put it on.

“You should still put it on even if you’re not cold,” Cheng Ke said. “I feel cold looking at you.”

“Mm.” Jiang Yuduo took the other coat and put it on, pulling the zipper all the way up to the top too.

“Watch the fireworks,” Cheng Ke said, tilting his head to look past him. “They should be about done. The big ones are all coming out now.”

“I… am a little scared.” Jiang Yuduo said.

“Scared of what?” Cheng Ke placed one hand on his shoulder, turned him to face him, and asked softly.

“I shouldn’t have told you all that,” Jiang Yuduo said, his brows drawn tight. “You shouldn’t know these things.”

“It’s fine,” Cheng Ke said. “I’ll forget it. I won’t remember.”

“But I remember.” Jiang Yuduo said.

Cheng Ke said nothing, just stared at his face.

Jiang Yuduo had his back to the light, but the bursts of fireworks still lit up his profile whenever they shot into the sky. Cheng Ke could see the tiny glint at the corner of his eye, and his lashes trembling faintly.

“Everything you say will be forgotten too,” Cheng Ke said, lifting his left arm to hold Jiang Yuduo’s shoulder. He leaned close to his ear and spoke softly, “My grandma told me that once a secret is spoken, the wind will carry it away.”

“I remember.” Jiang Yuduo leaned lightly against him, lowered his head, and rested his chin on Cheng Ke’s shoulder. “I remember so much. I always thought I hadn’t remembered this much.”

Cheng Ke said nothing else. He was not good at comforting people, and he did not know how to comfort Jiang Yuduo in this state.

He could only pat Jiang Yuduo’s back over and over.

“I remember I killed a lot of little animals,” Jiang Yuduo said. “The stray cats and stray dogs we caught.”

Cheng Ke’s hand trembled once, but he kept patting his back.

Suddenly, he understood why Jiang Yuduo had once fought him over a kitten in the trash can.

“I really like meows,” Jiang Yuduo said. “But sometimes I’m afraid of them too. I’m afraid of everything. I’m afraid of gray, and I’m afraid of the dark…”

“Are you afraid of little spirits?” Cheng Ke asked.

Jiang Yuduo paused, then laughed softly. “Are you talking about useless little spirits?”

“Yeah.” Cheng Ke nodded.

“Not afraid.” Jiang Yuduo said.

“That’s fine then,” Cheng Ke said, patting the back of his head. “Let’s go look at the lights.”

“Okay.” Jiang Yuduo answered.

Cheng Ke turned his head. After a moment of hesitation, about two seconds, he kissed Jiang Yuduo’s earlobe, then lightly bit and tugged it with his lips.

“Very bouncy,” he said.

What the fuck kind of crap was that supposed to mean?

Jiang Yuduo froze for a moment first, then started laughing so hard he coughed.

“Get in the car.” Cheng Ke pushed him away and turned to walk back.

“Sometimes I think you’re pretty stupid,” Jiang Yuduo said behind him.

“You,” Cheng Ke turned around and pointed at him, “watch your fucking word choice. Believe it or not, I’ll go over there and fight you right now.”

“It’s not me saying it,” Jiang Yuduo said as he walked over, took off his coat, and shoved it carelessly into the back, then sat down in the driver’s seat. “A guy with one arm like you, I could beat you with four legs.”

“Where are you going to find two more?” Cheng Ke said with a laugh as he got into the car.

“Chen Qing’s.” Jiang Yuduo said very seriously.

“Oh, right. Hurry up and head over,” Cheng Ke said, pulling out his phone. “I promised him I’d take a picture of the lights for him.”

There really was a message on his phone from XX Auto Beauty Xiao Chen 139XXXXXXXX.

-Big bro! Where are the lights?!

Cheng Ke伸出 his phone out the car window and took a picture of the streetlight, then sent it over.

Two seconds later, a new message came back from XX Auto Beauty Xiao Chen 139XXXXXXXX.

-Did you two actually go look at the lights or not?!

Cheng Ke smiled.

-Just watched fireworks by the roadside. We’re going to look at the lights now, wait for it.

-What about the fireworks? Did you take a picture? I can only see the tip of one firework from home.

-Didn’t take one.

-What use are you? If you watch fireworks and don’t take pictures, then what the hell are you looking at them for?

Cheng Ke did not reply again.

He had not even seen all the fireworks. From the moment Jiang Yuduo started telling him those things, he felt like he no longer saw anything at all.

He glanced at Jiang Yuduo, who was driving toward the plaza. He looked pretty calm, unlike earlier when he had talked about those things and reacted so intensely.

Cheng Ke did not know whether that was because he had gone to see a therapist or because of something else.

The two of them were sitting in the car now, both looking to be in a pretty good mood, but Cheng Ke knew he would probably only be forcing a smile for the rest of the night.

After hearing all that, he did not know what sort of mood he could possibly use to look at the lights.

Jiang Yuduo was a little stronger than he was, maybe because these things had already replayed in his memory over and over for so many years. After he found a parking spot alongside another small two-door car of the same size in the parking lot near the plaza, Jiang Yuduo looked pretty excited when he got out.

“This car only has this one good thing, it’s easy to park.” The owner of the other two-door car got out too, looking quite happy as well.

“Yeah.” Jiang Yuduo nodded.

Cheng Ke glanced at the two small cars parked side by side in the space and felt his mood lift a little too, enough that he almost wanted to laugh.

“After we’re done looking at the lights, call Chen Qing and the rest of my little brothers out for a late-night snack,” Jiang Yuduo said near his ear. “You want to go?”

“What are we eating?” Cheng Ke asked.

“Barbecue. When we get together, we eat barbecue. Traditional program, never innovating.” Jiang Yuduo said.

“Okay.” Cheng Ke nodded.

Jiang Yuduo smiled and pointed toward the broad stretch of light ahead. “Over there, then.”

“So many.” Cheng Ke looked around. From the plaza all the way to the surrounding streets, there were all kinds of lights in different colors, big and small. From this distance, it was impossible to tell what they were, only that it looked like a vast sea of lights.

“Have you been before?” Jiang Yuduo asked.

“No,” Cheng Ke said. “I rarely join in on this kind of crowd.”

“I’ll buy you a light,” Jiang Yuduo said. “You buy me one too. I used to come play with Chen Qing, and we gave them to each other like that.”

“You and Chen Qing…” Cheng Ke clicked his tongue. “If I didn’t know what your relationship was, I’d definitely think you two were a couple.”

“You wouldn’t be,” Jiang Yuduo turned to look at him. “Are…”

“Relax, I’m not jealous enough to be jealous of Chen Qing. Even if the two of you were lying in bed with your arms around each other, I still wouldn’t think anything of it.” Cheng Ke said.

“Fuck your uncle,” Jiang Yuduo rubbed his arms hard. “Stop saying stuff like that, I’m afraid if I see Chen Qing tonight I’ll want to beat him up.”

“Even if I didn’t say that, you still beat him up all the time,” Cheng Ke sighed. “Chen Qing doesn’t have it easy either.”

The plaza was packed with people. Starting from one or two hundred meters away from the lights, it was all people.

Cheng Ke took out his phone and snapped photo after photo of the various lights. Since he only had one hand, he could not bother with framing or focus or anything like that. As long as it was in the frame, he shot it.

Animal lights, flower lights, food lights, abstract lights… No matter what kind of light it was, there were always crowds in front of it, everyone ignoring everyone else, not caring that the camera frame contained a bunch of people posing in different directions besides themselves.

“Take one of me,” Jiang Yuduo said.

“Okay,” Cheng Ke nodded. Jiang Yuduo’s request surprised him a little. “Where do you want to take it?”

“That big cat light.” Jiang Yuduo said. “Doesn’t it look a little like meow?”

“Meow is a gray and white cat. That’s an orange cat…” Cheng Ke looked at him. “Do you even respect meow? You’ve kept it for so long and still don’t know its fur color?”

“I mean the expression!” Jiang Yuduo said.

Cheng Ke looked at the big orange cat light again. To be honest, it was made pretty badly. Forget the expression, even if Jiang Yuduo hadn’t said it was a cat, he would have thought it was a bear.

“You go over there,” Cheng Ke raised his phone. There were a bunch of people in front of the orange bear, and he did not even know where Jiang Yuduo would stand if he went over. “You…”

He was just about to arrange Jiang Yuduo’s position when Jiang Yuduo had already walked into the frame, standing at the very front of everyone. Then he zipped up his coat, spread both arms wide, and opened his legs too, striking a huge character pose.

Although the pose was stupid to the extreme, it had to be said that once Jiang Yuduo struck that pose, everyone behind him immediately became nothing but background bits.

“Meow!” Jiang Yuduo roared.

Cheng Ke pressed the shutter and captured a photo of Jiang Yuduo with an expression in the shape of a capital O.

“Let me see.” Jiang Yuduo hurried over.

Cheng Ke could not bear it. “How about we take another one?”

“It’s fine, this is enough,” Jiang Yuduo took his phone. “I just want that ki… Fuck, is that me?”

“If not, then who.” Cheng Ke said.

“Why can you make me look like such an idiot?” Jiang Yuduo stared at him. “I thought at the very least, as an artist, your level would be a little better than Chen Qing’s!”

“What the fuck are you meowing for!” Cheng Ke shot back. “You do one more meow and you’re still gonna be an idiot!”

“Fine,” Jiang Yuduo hesitated for a moment. “Take another.”

He turned back and stood there again, at the very front of everyone, once more striking a huge character pose, with several people holding up phones in front of him.

“Why is this guy here again!” a woman who was about to take a picture shouted unhappily.

“I’m here again and you still haven’t left, have you?” Jiang Yuduo looked at her.

The woman shot him a sidelong glance and did not say anything else.

Jiang Yuduo turned back toward Cheng Ke. “Hurry up! I’m not meowing anymore! Just take it!”

Cheng Ke looked at Jiang Yuduo in the frame. Whether it was his pose or his expression, it was obvious that for all the years he had been alive, he probably had no more than ten proper photos taken of him, and that included ID photos.

He was a pretty handsome, pretty charismatic guy, but when he was actually posing for a picture, he looked about three thousand times dumber than when he accidentally wandered into someone else’s frame.

Cheng Ke pressed the shutter, freezing Jiang Yuduo’s stupid grin.

“No,” Jiang Yuduo took the phone and glanced at it. “I… do I really not have a complete understanding of what I look like?”

“You don’t have a complete understanding of how to take photos,” Cheng Ke said. “More like no understanding at all.”

“Then show me.” Jiang Yuduo looked around, then suddenly pointed to the right with excitement. “Fuck! That’s made for you!”

“What…” Cheng Ke turned toward the direction he pointed, and after seeing it clearly, cursed, “Get lost!”

More than ten meters to their right was a light in the shape of a spirit. Like the orange bear light, it looked a little incomprehensible, but at least the pointed ears made it clear it was trying to say it was a spirit.

“Go quickly,” Jiang Yuduo said, pushing him. “Little spirit, go find your little buddy.”

“Are you trying to get yourself hit?” Cheng Ke looked at him.

“Quick,” Jiang Yuduo laughed. “Let me see how you take photos.”

Cheng Ke had no choice but to tug at his coat, hold his right arm close, and walk over. He stood beside the “little buddy,” looked around at the light sources, adjusted the direction of his face, and made do with a side light.

Jiang Yuduo held up his phone. “I’m taking it now! One, two, three!”

The count was so fast Cheng Ke almost did not catch it. Before he could even shape his expression, Jiang Yuduo was already done and waving at him. “Handsome! Do another one!”

“…Could you count slower? At that speed, you might as well not count at all.” Cheng Ke said.

“Okay.” Jiang Yuduo nodded.

Cheng Ke glanced at the “little buddy” behind him and the few girls standing next to it, then shifted a little to the side, planning to let Jiang Yuduo shoot the little buddy’s profile.

“I’m taking it now! Not counting anymore!” Jiang Yuduo said.

Cheng Ke smiled.

“Okay!” Jiang Yuduo nodded.

Just as Cheng Ke was about to go over and look at the picture, a girl walked up beside him. “Handsome.”

Cheng Ke turned and looked at her.

“Can I take a photo with you?” the girl asked a little shyly.

“…Sure.” Cheng Ke hesitated for a moment and nodded. He had run into this kind of thing plenty of times. After performances, he had also met girls who wanted to take photos with him.

“Thank you.” The girl quickly moved to stand beside him and pointed ahead. “My friend is over there.”

Cheng Ke smiled in that direction. Two seconds later, a girl in front holding up a phone waved. “Okay!”

“Thanks, handsome!” The girl smiled at him, then ran back to her friend. The two of them huddled together looking at the phone.

Cheng Ke turned back to Jiang Yuduo, about to take the phone and look at it, when he noticed Jiang Yuduo was staring at those two girls with a very unhappy look.

“What’s wrong?” Cheng Ke asked.

“You really don’t have any sense of vigilance at all, do you,” Jiang Yuduo said. “Anyone wants to drag you in for a photo and you just do it?”

“They were just two girls, high schoolers at most,” Cheng Ke sighed. “Could they beat me up over a photo?”

Jiang Yuduo clicked his tongue and handed him the phone. “I’ve realized that when you take photos or videos, you really do look good. Once you stand there, you can basically no longer see anyone else.”

“Thanks,” Cheng Ke laughed. “You’re really generous with praise.”

“Or…” Jiang Yuduo hesitated and glanced at the girls over there. “Should we ask them to take one of us too?”

“Hm?” Cheng Ke said with a laugh. “You don’t want vigilance anymore either?”

“Then selfie.” Jiang Yuduo quickly changed his mind, raised his phone, and reached out to pull Cheng Ke in by the shoulder.

Cheng Ke leaned against him, and before he could even make out what kind of mess the two of them looked like in the phone, Jiang Yuduo had already pressed the shutter.

“Third Brother,” Cheng Ke said, utterly helpless. “I’m begging you, can’t we have a little time to fix our expressions?”

“Oh, then you say when to take it and I’ll take it,” Jiang Yuduo said, raising the phone again. “I’m not that troublesome. Fix my expression? What, am I supposed to fold it up first?”

“Shut up!” Cheng Ke said.

Jiang Yuduo did not say anything else, just looked toward the camera with him.

Cheng Ke tilted his head a little toward Jiang Yuduo. Jiang Yuduo glanced at him and tilted a little toward him too. “Like this?”

“Mm,” Cheng Ke answered. “Smile.”

Jiang Yuduo smiled, and just as Cheng Ke’s own smile began to spread, Jiang Yuduo’s was already ending. Cheng Ke could not help shouting, “Hold it!”

Jiang Yuduo froze for a second, then burst out laughing. “Fuck, I forgot.”

That smile was natural and handsome, and Cheng Ke quickly raised his hand and tapped the shutter.

At last he had managed to take a normal photo of Jiang Yuduo. He took Jiang Yuduo’s phone, looked at it, and sent the picture to his own phone.