When I opened the gate and went inside, the house was dark. I killed my footsteps and approached the front door. My hand trembling slightly as I entered the password.

It was ridiculous that I had to be this nervous just going into my own house, and a short, bitter laugh slipped out. I tapped my shoulders for no reason and opened the front door. The house was quiet.

The moment I realized no one was home, my tension eased. I couldn’t even take off my shoes properly and just sat down on the floor. With the tension completely gone, the alcohol hit me and I didn’t want to move at all.

“Ah, what the hell, I dozed off for nothing.”

I folded up my coat and used it like a pillow under my head, closing my eyes right there. I’ll rest a little, then shower.

How much time had passed? I slowly lifted my eyelids at the coldness in my body and the strange scent seeping into my nasal lining. I blinked slowly and looked around. Uh… why am I here? I was lying in the bathtub fully clothed.

“Awake?”

With sleepiness and alcohol tangled together in my foggy head, I propped up my upper body, and cold water immediately poured over my face. I instinctively covered both ears with my hands and curled up. The water was so cold it made my hair stand on end.

A chill ran through me, and my whole body was shaking. Water was being poured over my head, my body, my arms, my legs, everything. He kept pouring until the white T-shirt I had worn underneath was soaked through, then turned off the faucet and sat on the edge of the tub. Jung Inhyuk grabbed my chin and lifted my head.

“Open your eyes.”

When I opened my eyes, the droplets hanging from my eyelashes streamed down my cheeks like tears. My chin trembled uncontrollably. Jung Inhyuk tightened the hand gripping my jaw.

“M-Manager.”

“The difference between permission and notice.”

“……”

“If you ask me, ‘Can I go to a drinking party and come back?’, that’s permission. If you say, ‘I’m going to a drinking party and then come home,’ that’s notice.”

“……”

“Since when were you in a position to give me notice instead of asking permission?”

I tried to recall the message I’d sent Jung Inhyuk, but my head was a tangled mess and nothing came to mind. What I did remember clearly was that when I called him, he hadn’t answered. If he had picked up, I would have asked for permission.

“You d-didn’t answer the phone.”

Jung Inhyuk let go of my chin and straightened up. With a mocking laugh, he took off his jacket, loosened his tie, unfastened the buttons, rolled up his sleeves, and even removed the watch wrapped around his wrist to place it on the shelf. I couldn’t even breathe properly and had gone stiff as a board.

“If I don’t answer the phone, you cancel it, you don’t give me notice. Since when were you in a position to notify me?”

Jung Inhyuk’s hand slapped my cheek. With the crack of the blow, my head turned brutally to the side. I covered my burning cheek with both hands and clenched my teeth.

“Lee Shinjae.”

Jung Inhyuk grabbed both my nape and collar and dragged me out of the tub. My collar pulled back and choked me. Even if I flailed my arms and made choking sounds, the force only pulled harder and never eased.

He didn’t yank me out in one go, but left my body half draped over the tub while simply strangling my neck. I felt my breath cut off, heat rising in my throat and around my ears and cheeks. My vision blurred.

At that moment, Jung Inhyuk tightened his grip and pulled me all the way out of the tub. I touched my loosened collar and coughed harshly.

“Lift your head.”

I sat on the bathroom floor and looked up at him. My body trembled like a leaf. Jung Inhyuk slowly lowered himself and rubbed away the moisture on my face with his hand. At the warmth in his touch, I leaned weakly against his cold cheek.

“Shinjae, you can’t do this to your hyung.”

“……”

“You know how much I cherish and adore you.”

His tone, once so cold and emotionless it was as if he were about to kill someone, was gone without a trace. Instead, he gave me a warm hand and a gentle voice. I nodded as if bewitched.

Like an old tree that had withstood hundreds of years of storms and thunder, only to rot and decay under the attack of a beetle no bigger than half a human fingernail, I too collapsed inward at a single warm word from Jung Inhyuk, even though I knew exactly what kind of person he was. This was the result of brutal conditioning.

“I won’t do it again. I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

I lay prostrate on the bathroom floor and begged. I begged and begged that I would never do it again, that I was sorry. Jung Inhyuk kept stroking my head and shoulders. My heart swayed dangerously.

My body and heart were mine, and yet they weren’t mine. They had belonged to Jung Inhyuk from the moment I was born. My mother threw me into this place without even knowing it was a cesspool, trying to avoid the worst. The farther I stepped, the deeper I sank into this vicious swamp, and I was powerless.

Jung Inhyuk smiled in satisfaction, dimples showing.

“Are you going to do this again?”

I shook my head wildly. Skirting the line between despair and hope, I clutched at Jung Inhyuk’s clothes. Jung Inhyuk stripped off my damp, clinging clothes one by one.

Finally, he undid the buckle of my pants and pulled them down along with my underwear. A chill made my whole body tremble.

“I’m doing all this for you, Shinjae.”

“……”

“If not me, who would worry about you and care for you like this?”

“……”

“Go wash up and come out.”

Even after Jung Inhyuk left and the bathroom door closed, I couldn’t pull myself together right away. For a long time, I sat on the bathroom floor, staring blankly into space. After moments like this passed, self-disgust came rushing in.

Like Pavlov’s dog, to me Jung Inhyuk’s gentle hands and voice were a kind of signal. A signal that it was time for me to lower myself and bow down, a time to break myself apart and submit to Jung Inhyuk. Every time I faced such a moment, it was so miserable that this was all I could do.

Unable to bear the frustration, I pounded the bathroom floor with my fist. The impact made my wrist ache, but I didn’t think it hurt. The wound in my heart was so much bigger that I couldn’t feel bodily pain. I was simply disgusted with this damned situation.

Couldn’t I be only myself? Not through this control or restraint, but through my own will and decisions, couldn’t I live my life that way? Jung Inhyuk had already given me the answer, but even that I couldn’t accept by my own will.

I vented my frustration on the innocent floor and stood up. Without thinking, I braced myself on the sink, and my right wrist throbbed. On the bathroom floor, the clothes he had thrown around in a mess were scattered everywhere, and on the shelf, the watch was sitting neatly in place. It was the watch he wore often.

Impulse made me grab Jung Inhyuk’s watch. I clenched it in my trembling hand and shoved it into the toilet bowl. Not stopping there, I pressed the lever.

I saw the watch get sucked into the bowl. But then it must have clogged, because the water gurgled and backed up. Watching that, a snort of laughter slipped out of me.

I felt so pathetic, laughing while taking out my frustration on something as small as a watch.

I came out wearing the bathrobe. A faint chill made my shoulders tighten, and I pulled the robe closed. Jung Inhyuk was leaning sideways on the living room sofa, smoking. He had just finished showering too, because his hair was wet.

“Uh…?”

The strange change in the atmosphere of the house made me feel off. Looking carefully, I saw the furniture layout had changed overall. The sofa table had been replaced entirely.

This was my house, and yet not a single one of my opinions had been reflected. I couldn’t even bring myself to complain. I let out a quiet sigh and swept back my wet hair.

“Come closer.”

Jung Inhyuk pushed the table forward to create space between the table and the sofa. I slipped into that space and knelt down. Naturally, I reached out and parted the front of his clothes, but Jung Inhyuk frowned and grabbed my right wrist.

“Ugh.”

Pain shot through me to the brain. Jung Inhyuk held my wrist and examined it from side to side. On the surface, the back of my hand was a little scraped and there were patches of bluish bruises, but inside was a different story. Every time he gripped it and twisted it around, a throbbing pain flared.

“This is always the problem. Should I just break it now? What, it’s not like I can’t poke and stuff you with one hand missing.”

“Aah!”

Jung Inhyuk, expressionless, twisted my wrist backward. I arched away and screamed. It felt like the wrist might snap any second.

“Quit everything and stay home spreading your legs. In a month or two, wouldn’t there be a brat in your belly?”

“It was a mistake, a mistake. I’m serious!”

“What bullshit are you talking?”

Jung Inhyuk grabbed my head with the hand that wasn’t holding my wrist and pressed it down against his crotch. I realized what he wanted and hurriedly parted my lips around his robe to take his cock into my mouth.

His erection, now taking shape under the pressure, pushed deep into my mouth. Jung Inhyuk deliberately pressed at my uvula and then drew his hips back.

“Mmph!”

I forced myself to move my head, desperately holding back the nausea rising in my throat. My wrist was still being held hostage in his hand. His cock grew larger and larger inside my mouth, making my lips open wider and wider. I licked the shaft with my tongue and closed my lips around the glans.

When I sucked the head until my cheeks hollowed, Jung Inhyuk spat out a short curse, let go of my wrist as if tossing it aside, and grabbed the back of my head to press me down. In one thrust, the head invaded the depths of my throat.

“Open your throat properly.”

“Ugh, ghk, mmph!”

My throat lurched against the sudden intrusion. Every time my throat tightened, Jung Inhyuk let out a low groan and tightened his fingers in my hair. Heat surged up and my face burned so badly I couldn’t endure it. I slapped his thigh quickly with my palm.

Just as my eyes began to roll back, Jung Inhyuk removed the hand pressing down on the back of my head. I immediately spat out his cock and turned my head to the side.

Through the gap in my parted lips, slippery fluid stretched in sticky strands. Before I could even gather myself, Jung Inhyuk tugged my head and made me take him again.