Strangely, it ended up looking like Kang Euihyun was taking my side. Yoo Dokyeom must have felt it too, as he frowned with dissatisfaction. His face looked as if he couldn’t understand why Euihyun was interfering in a sibling rivalry instead of taking care of the woman beside him.

“Oppa, you were a bit scary just now,” 

Jeong Sujin giggled, nudging Kang Euihyun with her elbow.

“Do you monitor every single person who shows interest in Chaewon? She needs to date, too. What if you blocked her path, Oppa?”

“She’s still young.”

Again, that talk about me being young. Despite a mere five-year difference, the man still viewed me as a chubby baby in a diaper. I felt suffocated by the gap that seemed impossible to bridge even after a dozen years had passed.

“I’m not young.”

The fork I was holding scraped against the plate, making an unpleasant sound.

“I can order alcohol here, you know. Just how old are you, Oppa, that you keep calling me young? If you’re going to keep going on about age, why don’t you check yourself into a senior center?”

Even though I shot back with a straight face, Kang Euihyun remained indifferent. Even a passing dog wouldn’t be that uninterested when barked at. Only Jeong Sujin wore an awkward smile, gauging the mood.

“Wow, Sujin, did you see that? Her temper is no joke.”

Since I had essentially proven Yoo Dokyeom’s claim that his sister’s temper was foul, I had nothing to say. I pursed my lips and looked down at my plate. I had come here intending to break Kang Euihyun’s composure, but in the end, only my own shallow temper had been exposed.

“But Chaewon is right. She is an adult, too.”

The incredibly kind Jeong Sujin smiled and took my side despite the sharp tension in the air.

“Aren’t you overprotecting her a bit, Oppa?”

Overprotection. Kang Euihyun’s problem was defined in one word. To me, it was familiar and natural care, but to others, it appeared excessive. It was something even the clueless Baek Jungyung had judged as strange.

But people don’t know. Whether it is protection or control, I must gratefully accept whatever Kang Euihyun gives me to earn the right to stay by his side. If Kang Euihyun neglects me and doesn’t look my way, I am the only one who will feel the loss. No matter how much I pretend to be strong, the reason Kang Euihyun doesn’t even bat an eye is that he knows very well who holds the upper hand in our relationship.

“Chaewon, you’ve never dated, right? Have you ever been on a blind date?”

“I haven’t. Not even a blind date.”

“Then should I find someone decent for you? What’s your ideal type?”

“Want some wine?”

Kang Euihyun reached his arm out between me and Jeong Sujin. As he grabbed the menu lying in the corner, the women’s conversation was naturally cut off. I felt relieved and focused on eating the remaining food. I didn’t have the nerve to chatter about which man was decent or not while my one and only ideal type was sitting right in front of me, and with the person who would soon become his lover.

“Don’t order anything too expensive. If you spend money recklessly, Yoo Chaewon will give you a look.”

“I’ll pay for the drinks.”

I felt a gaze watching me intently from across the table. Ignoring Jeong Sujin’s stare, I just chewed my pasta thoroughly. I felt that even if I vomited this time, like I did when I ate blood sausage soup, Kang Euihyun wouldn’t come running to me. Because today was Jeong Sujin’s birthday.

“Drink up.”

A moment later, Kang Euihyun personally filled my glass with wine.

“Since you’re all grown up, as you said, you can handle this much, right?”

He was clearly being sarcastic. Usually, he didn’t care no matter what harsh words I said, but perhaps because he was in front of Jeong Sujin today, he seemed displeased that I had talked back.

But I liked it when Kang Euihyun sneered at me. It was proof that, in some way, I had poked at his patience. It meant I had achieved a small goal I had set for myself before coming here.

The wine tasted bad. However, I pretended it suited my taste and drank it smoothly, keeping pace with the others. Using pieces of fresh cream cake to soothe the astringent taste of the alcohol, I stayed firmly planted in my seat, borrowing the help of intoxication.

As I emptied one glass, then two, I took in the couple opposite me. It was better to confirm the reality firsthand like this than to suffer in agony imagining how sweet a time Kang Euihyun and Jeong Sujin were spending together. Even if it felt like slicing my chest with the edge of a blade.

After the meal, Kang Euihyun called a designated driver, and Yoo Dokyeom and I decided to take a taxi. I chose the uncomfortable company of my biological brother because I didn’t want to be squeezed into a backseat with three people.

If I let Kang Euihyun and Jeong Sujin go together like this, perhaps the first day of their relationship would begin. But today, I didn’t want to interfere with them anymore. I was pretending to be fine, but after all, today was the anniversary of my parents’ death, and I had spent my nerves drinking tasteless alcohol with people I didn’t even like; this was enough of a strain.

“Make sure you get Chaewon home safely,” 

Kang Euihyun told Yoo Dokyeom.

Anyone watching would think he was my brother.

“Is she your sister? She’s my sister. You just take good care of your girlfriend.”

Yoo Dokyeom must have thought similarly, as he spoke up loudly. His slouching attitude as he rummaged through his cigarette pack looked far from reliable.

“Contact me if anything happens.”

Kang Euihyun gave me the same goodbye as always. It was practically a habit for him. Even after hearing that Yoo Chaewon was someone else’s sister, he didn’t seem to care about the remark. I nodded, conscious of Jeong Sujin’s gaze looking my way.

After they left, I waited a few paces away until Yoo Dokyeom finished his cigarette. The way home was always awkward, but today, I wanted to go and rest as quickly as possible. It was because I had committed to too many tedious things that didn’t suit my capacity.

“You saw her today, right?”

Yoo Dokyeom, having crushed his cigarette on the road, approached me.

“Don’t you think Jeong Sujin is fucking pretty and kind?”

“Yeah. Fucking pretty and fucking kind,” 

I replied indifferently.

I had wanted to go home quickly because I knew this would happen. I knew Yoo Dokyeom wouldn’t let me go home peacefully.

“Euihyun showed her to you. He’s saying someone has to be at least this level to even look at him. Are you really that clueless?”

I let his words flow in one ear and out the other, replying to a message from Han Jio that had arrived long ago. My yellow speech bubble, lying about having a meal with family for the first time in a while, looked pathetic.

“…”

“Don’t you think about your brother at all? Do you know how embarrassed I feel every time I see Euihyun?”

“Why are you embarrassed, Oppa?”

“You’re asking because you don’t know? Like you said, you’re not young anymore, yet a fully grown kid clings to him in such a creepy way that I’m the one who’s ashamed.”

“I don’t think Euihyun Oppa finds it creepy.”

I let out a nervous laugh. The temper that had been sharpened all day was finally showing signs of exploding.

“That Oppa still sees me as a baby. He probably thinks it’s cute.”

“How is it that this kid is getting crazier by the day?”

“Psycho,” Yoo Dokyeom muttered, shuddering.

“Every time I see you, even though you’re my sister, I get goosebumps. What do you think about Kang Euihyun? I guarantee he’ll get sick of you soon. If you want to remain even as a close younger sister, stop pushing so hard.”

How many times had I heard that kind of curse? That he was only putting up with me because I was young, that Kang Euihyun would cast me aside once I grew up a bit more, that my expiration date was almost up. But contrary to all of Yoo Dokyeom’s threats, Kang Euihyun still took meticulous care of me.

“I know exactly how much Euihyun Oppa will put up with. I have enough intelligence to keep to a reasonable line, so you don’t need to worry needlessly.”

People used to whisper among themselves that it was strange how I didn’t speak prettily to the man I loved, but in fact, those were all precisely calculated results. My speaking harshly and throwing tantrums at Kang Euihyun was a way to test how wide his range of tolerance was, while simultaneously showing others how close I was to him.

“Is that why you acted all docile in front of Jeong Sujin?”

At the mention of Jeong Sujin’s name, my lips shut tight.

“It’s not that you pretended to be nice because you’re not that close to her, but because she’s Kang Euihyun’s girlfriend, so you couldn’t say a word.”

Yoo Dokyeom, having ruthlessly hit the nail on the head, chuckled.

“You were scared that if you acted out in front of the girlfriend, Euihyun would embarrass you and cut you off. Am I right?”

When I couldn’t refute a single word, Yoo Dokyeom took a deep breath as if he felt relieved. Since he was a brother who always wanted me to realize my place, he must have felt proud seeing me shut up in an instant.

“Let’s go now, sister.”

Yoo Dokyeom walked to the edge of the sidewalk to hail a taxi, but I didn’t follow. Instead, I turned my heels toward the subway station.

“Fine, go however you want!”

Yoo Dokyeom shouted at the back of my head as I walked away. His voice was so full of amusement that I unconsciously clenched my fists.

“Go ahead and call Euihyun again and tell him how Yoo Dokyeom just left you behind! You think you’re the only one with a temper?”

No matter what Yoo Dokyeom babbled, I walked forward in silence. I blinked my eyelids incessantly to stop the tears that were suddenly bursting out. I sniffled a few times and took deep breaths.

I love Kang Euihyun. I see no one else but that man. He is the reason for everything I do. I am only satisfied when I hold something in my hand that is even slightly related to him.

It has been so long that people have been wagging their tongues about my unrequited love that there is nothing particularly new about it. I don’t care if people like Yoo Dokyeom think of me as a creepy psycho. As long as Kang Euihyun doesn’t think of me that way, it’s all fine.

I can endure Jeong Sujin sticking to Kang Euihyun’s side. I can force myself to understand even if he takes care of Jeong Sujin before me. I can steadfastly witness him smiling at her and listening to her words affectionately.

But that doesn’t mean I’m not hurt. I’ll say it again: my heart is not made of steel. Just because my mind doesn’t care doesn’t mean my heart is unaffected.

I am depressed right now. The sides of my temples are throbbing, the inside of my chest is aching, and my hands and feet are tingling. If my mental strength were just a bit weaker, an accident would have surely happened by now.

Being human, there are times when I want to coolly give up on Kang Euihyun. I sometimes think it would be nice if my stomach didn’t churn when I saw him, if he wasn’t the first person I thought of when I was scared, and if I felt nothing even if a single hair of his brushed against me. Lately, those thoughts have become more frequent.

I imagine myself maturely offering congratulations to Kang Euihyun, who will soon be dating Jeong Sujin. In my imagination, I wear a relaxed smile, my gaze is steady, and there is no tremor in my voice as I say, “Congratulations. I’m happy for you.”

But the current me is barely holding back tears. I have to put all my strength into just walking straight.

I truly want to cut off this one sided devotion. Since the person I love won’t return it, and everyone else will only dismiss it, I want to casually let go of the feelings I’ve carried my whole life. I only want the heart of someone who loves me.

 I want to take it for granted that someone likes me, just as Kang Euihyun does.

When will I finally be able to completely stop this foolish unrequited love?