“Why?” 

Kang Euihyun pressed for a reason, as if he couldn’t understand.

It was only natural. I was always the one who wanted him to stay in this house. After clinging to his kindness for the past three years, it would be unbelievable for anyone if I suddenly claimed he was a nuisance.

“Your mother isn’t here right now, is she?” 

He spoke with certainty, as if he already knew the truth.

For the first time, the mask of indifference I had worn since he arrived cracked. I let my flustered emotions show plainly.

“How do you know that?”

“I can tell by looking at your face.” 

Kang Euihyun’s large hand covered the crown of my head. “You’re so anxious that it’s written all over you.”

Out of habit, I lowered my eyes at his warmth, but in the next moment, I shook my head convulsively and escaped from under his hand. I remembered the scene of that hand embracing Jeong Sujin. It had only been a few hours since I had steeled my heart and ignored dozens of messages, yet here I was again, losing my mind in his grasp.

“Yes, Mom isn’t here. So leave. I think she keeps hiding because of you.”

“Do you want to be with your mother?”

“Yeah.”

“Don’t lie.”

I glared at Kang Euihyun with wide eyes. But he was a man who didn’t care for such looks.

“You just want to be with someone. Your mother is only a temporary measure.”

Temporary measure. If words had temperature, then the phrase temporary measure felt similar to Mom’s chilling body heat. Kang Euihyun attacked me with a ruthless expression, as if he meant to strip my stomach bare.

There was nothing wrong with Kang Euihyun’s argument. What I truly needed was a family to live with me in this spacious house, not the lingering image of my dead mother. I had only blinded myself with the presence of Mom, whom only I could see.

“So what if she’s a temporary measure? Did I hurt anyone? Did I do anything wrong? I’m saying I’ll live alone while holding on to my dead mother. What does that have to do with you, oppa?”

Whether Mom breaks a cup or spills ramen, I’m the one who deals with it. I’m no longer clinging to him and whining, so there was no reason for me to hear such criticism from him.

“You’re the one who shouldn’t use me as a temporary measure.”

“…What?”

A crack appeared in the face of Kang Euihyun, who had remained serene regardless of what happened. In the end, I was the only one hurt by my own words, yet a faint sense of satisfaction bloomed at this reaction.

“You still want me to like you.” Even though he had reached his destination, Jeong Sujin. Even after I saw them embracing, Kang Euihyun still wanted me to welcome him.

“You knew exactly how I felt, but you kept pushing me away ambiguously. You just let it happen because you liked having someone cling to you. You were going to keep me around as a temporary measure until you got a real girlfriend.”

Kang Euihyun’s heavy gaze flew straight toward me. His eyes were so quiet that it felt like he might explode at any second.

“Is it fun to drop by my house while seeing Jeong Sujin? Is it fun to see me so nervous and not knowing what to do because I like you?”

The tremble at the end of my voice spread through my body. Shivering like someone caught in a chill, I grabbed Kang Euihyun’s forearm.

“Just go. Please, just go. It’s already hard enough, so don’t make it harder and just leave. I’m not going to like you anymore, so stop playing with my heart and get out, please.”

“Is it true?” 

Kang Euihyun stood his ground effortlessly despite the force with which I pulled him. 

“Are you really not going to like me anymore?”

The question he asked while standing there unbudging was merely this. I wondered if this was what it felt like to snap. For a moment, I wanted to strangle him. Goosebumps raced down my arm where I held his forearm.

“Yes, I don’t like you! It’s too tedious and annoying to deal with! I fucking hate you! I hate you!”

I dragged Kang Euihyun out. He had more than enough strength to shake me off, but he reluctantly stepped forward. He sighed, put on his shoes, and tried to say something while looking down at me, but I couldn’t tolerate another second of his time.

“Don’t ever come back.”

I opened the front door myself and pushed his back. Forced across the threshold, he looked back at me. The automatic hallway light cast deep shadows across his face.

I didn’t have the confidence to look at that face for long. I slammed the door shut and hurriedly fled from the entrance. I couldn’t bear anything, not the sound of him leaving, nor the sign of him hesitating. Finally, I was alone. Alone in a house where even my dead mother was gone.

I didn’t go to my room but curled up on the sofa, in a spot where I could immediately know if Mom came. I closed my eyes, waiting for my only roommate to return.

I wondered if Mom heard the words Kang Euihyun spat about being a ‘temporary measure.’ I hoped she hadn’t just hidden out of sight, but had gone somewhere else for a while. I hoped she hadn’t heard it at all.

In the dead silent house, even the smallest sounds from the hallway drifted in easily. When I heard the sound of the elevator arriving, I quickly covered my ears with both hands. I buried my face between the armrest and the cushion of the sofa, trying to block out all external senses. Giving up on a one sided love required constant effort.

***

They said summer had begun, but perhaps sleeping in the living room without a blanket was too much. I woke up to the cool temperature of early dawn. Seeing as it felt even colder, it seemed Mom had returned.

“Where did you go again…” 

I mumbled, sitting up without even opening my eyes properly.

As I lowered my legs from the sofa, I felt as if something had suddenly yanked the back of my neck. However, I was too heavy with sleep to notice the warning from my instincts, and my feet hit the floor faster than my brain could process.

“Ah!” 

I let out a short scream and tumbled to the floor. A searing pain shot across the sole of my foot. Something sticky slid down my skin.

My eyes snapped open. I froze at the sight of the object right in front of me. I wouldn’t have been this shocked even if ice water had been poured over my head. My heart, suddenly covered in frost, made a creaking sound.

In the bluish air of dawn, a kitchen knife was glinting. It was standing upright, with the spine down and the blade facing up.

Forgetting even the pain in my sole, I stared intently at the knife. It was an object that hadn’t been taken out from under the sink for months. The curve of the blade, aimed precisely at my sole, carried a deep chill.

A completely different kind of fear, unlike when I fell over broken glass or when a ramen pot spilled, pressed against the back of my head. Unable to move a single finger, I only rolled my eyes. While searching for where she was, I simultaneously hoped she wouldn’t be seen, because I didn’t want to believe that she had tried to hurt me again.

Mom was behind me. Even if I couldn’t see her or hear her, I just knew, because we had lived together for three years. But I didn’t dare look back. I couldn’t even think of demanding an explanation. Fearing that the knife might pierce my chest instead of my foot next time, I couldn’t even make a sound. Unswallowed saliva pooled in my mouth.

Just then, the sound of someone entering the password drifted from beyond the entrance. Since I had changed it a few hours ago, the warning beep for an incorrect code naturally rang out. Once more, and once again, the sounds continued, sharply breaking the silence of the dawn.

And on the fourth attempt, the front door opened.

The person who rushed in was Kang Euihyun. His gaze moved from me lying on the floor to my bleeding foot, and then to the eerily standing knife.

He didn’t stand there blankly for long. Kang Euihyun dashed into the bathroom, came back with a towel, and wrapped it tightly around my left foot. The pressure of the towel felt sharper than the pain of the cut.

“Come here.” 

He supported my back and the back of my knees, lifting me up.

His complexion was pale, as if he were the one who had been stabbed. His jawline, closest to my field of vision, was stiffly set.

As I passed through the entrance in his arms, I heard the sound of the knife flopping over to the side. Once again, Mom had disappeared.

In the bustling emergency room of the early morning, a patient with a cut on the sole of the foot was not a priority. I had to lie on the hospital bed with my foot on a cushion and wait for my turn.

“The password…” 

Kang Euihyun, who was standing anxiously beside the bed, noticed my small voice and leaned over.

“How did you get it right?” 

Among the questions I had, I asked the most urgent one first.

“I heard you changing it to eight digits while I was doing the dishes earlier,” he answered while scanning the busy medical staff. 

“Then it must be someone’s birthdate or a phone number. It wouldn’t be Dokyeom’s, and if it’s related to your parents, I know all of those.”

I had changed it to the phone number my father used during his lifetime, and he had figured it out, entering the house in just four tries. No wonder he had left me alone. He must have done that because he was confident he could guess it. Once again, I was the only one making a fool of myself.

“How did you come?” 

The next thing I was curious about was how he had entered with such timing. 

“Were you outside the whole time?”

“Yeah.”